Dr. Kim: I am a 44-year-old attorney and I have fallen deeply for a gorgeous 27-year-old man. I am desperately seeking some no-nonsense guidance and advice about my relationship. Although we have only been together for 3 months, I really believe that he is the man for me. I have had 2 failed marriages due to the immaturity of both of my past husbands. It was obvious that I had outgrown them and so I decided to end both marriages quickly. And because of how I have been treated unfairly in the past, I can tell that he is definitely the one for me. The reason for my question is that I have noticed a growing insecurity in my self confidence since the beginning of our relationship. Possibly it is my age difference because I am concerned that my age will cause him doubt if he really wants me in the future. I also find myself wishing that he was more settled financially because he is finally trying to finish up some college courses and he is between jobs. I feel that it would be a huge mistake for me to allow the fact that he is still finding himself to come between us when our bond is so strong and genuine.
Help Dr. Kim I am head over heels with a much younger man!!
Desperate Donna
Dear Donna:
Donna you asked for no-nonsense advice and that is definitely what I am best at--so here we go. The bottom line is that the odds are against both of you. This insecurity about other women that you have is going to do nothing but grow deeper and stronger. Is it realistic that you should feel insecure with your age as you compare it to those girls in their twenties? Yes, it is realistic. It is hard for a 44-year-old woman, regardless of how good she looks, to compete with a 22-year-old fresh, carefree and tight-breasted young lady. And when a younger man stays with an older women, the reason is usually bigger and more thought out than the way that she looks. Usually there are other benefits like financial security, a nice home, access to a sports car or just a security that a younger girl can’t bring. When a man does not have it for himself, this is usually what he is seeking in a mate.
Donna please understand that in most cases you may not be able to compete with a 20-year-old physically, but often times an older women can compete intellectually, spiritually and economically.
The reason why the odds are also against your younger lover is because I am not sure that he will be able to please you on a long term basis outside of a sexual realm. You have already mentioned that you outgrew both of your husbands and that you needed more out of the relationship. My personal concerns is not so much about his age, but instead his level of responsibility. Despite the economy, it is a large red flag that he is in between jobs at 27 and still trying to finish college courses!! It is obvious that if your relationship continues on a long term basis you will be the one carrying the load economically. And resentment is guaranteed to follow. As an attorney, your educational accomplishment has taken dedication, hard work and persistence and I am sure that you are attracted to men with the same character traits.
Donna my advice is that you don’t get too attached and to smitten with him. Don’t allow yourself to get too wrapped up emotionally simply because the odds are against you. Have fun with him, enjoy his company but emotionally stay strong enough to walk away. His lack of responsibility prompts me to conclude that you don’t need another child in your life, you are seeking a companion.
One of the best-loved trainers of our time, Dr. Kimberly Ventus-Darks or Dr. Kim as she is affectionately known, is a one-woman emotional typhoon who is taking America by storm. President of her own communications business, author, internationally renowned speaker, wife and mother, adjunct faculty member for four colleges, magazine advice columnist, national life strategist and former local TV talk show host, she has captivated audiences with her larger-than-life personality, bold style and no nonsense approach to assertive communication, dealing with difficult people and resolving conflict.
Her clients include Walt Disney, AT&T, Lucent Technologies, the State of Michigan, Army Corp of Engineers and dozens of others. She is also founder and president of Ventus-Darks Communications, and has coached thousands of people in personal and professional development topics. Dr. Kim holds a doctoral degree in interpersonal communication and administration from Union Institute. She is also degreed in business administration and has taught literature, English and public speaking on the college level. Her articles have been published in numerous national magazines and other publications, and she was a contributing author to the celebrated book, Wit and Wisdom from the Buppie Club. Her own motivational works include: If I’m So Special Why Do I Feel Ordinary?, Release It and Let It Go, and her popular No More Chains: The Real You – Getting It Back.
